Avoid The Top 5 Relationship Killers

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

Romantic Ideas Turn Your Relationship Into A Fountain Of Joy

Romance is so very important to the wellbeing, health and the wealth Your relationship will produce, because it is the credit that you build-up in your partners emotional bank account that is specially kept, just for you. That is human we all to that.

Forgiveness and appreciation for who you are and who you are becoming, leniency for where you are still strengthening your skills and developing your abilities comes just so much easier when your account is in the green.

When the very thought of you is enough to protect your relationship from any onslaught. When a thought of you is enough to make your partner glow with bliss, you will realize that romance has the ability to protect your relationship, in a way that contracts and intimidation cant.

100 Romantic Ideas is a great start to a blissful relationship. I have decided to give you ten fun romantic ideas right now and when you visit my website, you can download a 101 Romantic Ideas by Michael Webb for free. This way you have 111 Romantic ideas to pick from and you can have a grand start to a marvelous, rewarding and fulfilling relationship with your partner.

Romance sets the stage for mind blowing intercourse, guaranteed.

1.First thing in the morning, brush your teeth slip back into bed with your partner and gently start kissing him/her on the earlobe, at intervals use the tip of your tongue too. When your partner is a wake whisper in his/her ear how grateful you are that you have another day together.
2.Set your alarm for one hour earlier in the morning, run the shower at the perfect temperature, play your special song, gently wake up your partner and tempt him/her into the bathroom and enjoy a shower together. This really sets the tone for the day.
3.Send your partner a small gift, such as a picture of the two of you in a quality frame, to work with a beautiful card saying you are everything I want and need
4.Buy a platter for two with your partners favorite snacks on it, meet your partner outside his/her workplace and the two of you go for a quick lunch. Remember to get something to drink. Do it with as much flair and style as possible. Buy stunning serviettes for instance.
5.Phone your favorite restaurant ask them to prepare a table for two with flowers, and candles, write a card to your partner with a list of all the things that make him/her so exceptional to you. Make an appointment with your partner to meet you at the venue, think of some excuse why you cant arrive together, be 5 min late, and let your partner discover the surprise without your presence.
6.Make dinner, let your partner join you in the kitchen, while you are preparing the food, play some music, let your partner be the head of the music department for the evening, while you do all the cooking. Pour each of you a glass of wine, in between the cooking, dance with your partner tell him/her how much you care and how wonderful, he/she makes you feel.
7.Prepare a bottle of massage oil, or buy one from a health store. Watch something together on TV that fascinates your partner but bores you. Give your partner a body massage that will turn any boring TV show into your own fun show.
8.Kiss, Kiss, Kiss never stop kissing do it often and do it with passion.
9.Go fishing at a very quite spot and do it topless. Pack a picnic basket, with some really amazing food in it. Make sure you have a blanket or something similar that you can just relax on after a hearty meal.
10.Watch the city lights together from a balcony or a safe place in the open air, have a fire burning. Fire is really filled with passion and gives plenty of ambiance, sip on a glass of wine. Then you dream together, build your future, and visualize yourself 10 years from to day.

So many couples stop dreaming once they are married, they think they have reached the goal, yet they have only given the first steps on a long road if they are blessed. The road can be rocky and full of regrets, or it can be the most wonderful most fulfilling experience life has to offer. As always the choice is yours.

According to me I was married to the Master of Romance, Hannes Manowarda. He passed a way 20 years ago, the love that we shared still sustain and inspire me this very day. He had colon cancer, but not pain, fear, uncertainty or circumstances stopped him from giving me his very best, every day.

The most heart breaking moments for me is, to watch couples go out to dinner, beautifully dressed, awesome food and venue and they sit and stare right past each other, there is nothing, the relationship is dead. They are so very lonely each of them living in their own world. All they do is performing a ritual. That is when I realize the difference between loneliness and being on your own